In Part 1 of this blog post, we discussed dating apathy and how many of us use dating apps to window shop for potential partners. Here, we will delve further into some of the perils of dating online and using dating apps, and how you can still date smart in this age of technological advancement.
Ghosting
What is ghosting? Ghosting is defined as the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication. Unfortunately, ghosting has become an all too common occurrence in this era of dating apps. In the past, when people met romantic partners through friends, ghosting wasn’t as prevalent due to the possibility of social backlash from their peers. However, online dating and dating apps have removed the repercussions one may suffer from ghosting someone else or treating them poorly. Since we now have more dating options in which to pursue romantic partners without risking damage to our reputation or backlash from friends, many people feel more free to ghost others. But this is not an excuse to treat others poorly. There is no excuse for shitty behavior – PERIOD.
Do not disconnect from your brain
When you find someone attractive on a dating app, and your attraction to that person is validated, you must realize that your brain is fueling your responses. Chemical reactions in your brain are reinforcing the positive feelings you experience when someone likes you, winks at you, gives you a heart, friends you, or follows you on Instagram. You emphasize these feelings by telling yourself, “that person likes me, and he or she is really attractive, so this means that I’m a good person!” And boom! You become addicted.
Knowing what’s actually happening in your brain and your body is key. Chemical reactions are constantly occurring. You must be aware of what’s going on. If you have this awareness, you can accurately process what is really happening and perceive the experience differently. Ask yourself, “what’s really happening here?” instead of diving in and thinking, “wow, that person is HOT and they want to meet me!” and losing all sense of perspective.
How do you find a REAL connection?
Before you can find a person with whom you can truly connect, you must figure out what you really want from a soul level, not what you have been told that you should want. Then you must embrace your authentic self and who you are in all of your uniqueness. Stand calmly in your truth and do not settle for anything less than what you desire. If you do this, you will see it manifest.
Be willing to be flexible as you discover more about what you really want. And remember that it’s ok to change your mind. By truly knowing yourself, you are no longer divided by trying to be something you are not and trying to please someone else. In this integration of your true self, your dating experiences will change radically. You will know who is right for you and who is not. In this new found calmness, when you are willing to wait and really get to know someone, that person’s true self will be revealed. You will be patient because you know that if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. Nothing will stop it.
Perception vs. Reality
We all know that what you see is rarely what you get. You project an idea of who a person is from what you see in his or her profile and description, which creates a feeling, releasing chemicals in your brain, which you then associate with ideas about how you believe this person to be. But most of this is false. Why? Because you really don’t know anything about this person. Even their profile description is subjective. That description is who they believe themselves to be, or who they want you to believe them to be. You project onto this person your ideas of who you believe them to be. Once the two of you meet, the person is nothing like you thought he or she was, and the date is terrible. You are disappointed because the person didn’t measure up to what you expected them to be.
Having Choices
If you are given a choice of 15 things from which to select on a restaurant menu, what do you choose? Do you pick the same dish every time, because you know you love it? Do you select the day’s special? Or do you choose something new and different every time you eat there?
You must have an idea of what you want. Sometimes you must try several different things on the menu. Choices are based on habits we have formed. We unknowingly make the same choices over and over again. You must figure out what exactly it is that you want in a mate. Learn about yourself, and learn about the other person. The relationships that I see that fail have usually failed because the two people involved in the relationship do not communicate in the same way.
To have a lasting relationship, you must know the other person. Many of us jump to conclusions and project an idea of who we believe the other person is, without ever getting to know the person they truly are. Knowing another person takes time. It is a journey both into yourself and into the inner world of another.
Try Something New
One of the biggest mistakes people make is not giving someone else a chance because that person doesn’t fit their idea of what they want in a relationship. You might miss out on a really great guy or girl because of your preconceived ideas about the other person.
Realize that you may not yet be ready for something new on the menu. You may need to stick with your old ideas until you realize that they are not working for you, then try taking a risk and trying something new. That risk is calculated, however, if you take the time to really get to know someone. It’s like trying something new on the menu that everyone else is raving about but you just weren’t ready to try. You realize that it’s healthy, and that, lo and behold, you like it! But you must be ready to try something new before you do so. Because if you’re not ready, you won’t see the beauty in the other person.
If you’re already a risk taker, go beyond yourself and try something different. Remember, people grow and change. Many people aren’t ready for each other for a few years, because they need to grow and change in order to come together. This is why dating is a journey into yourself. The more you know yourself, the better your choices will be.
Always choosing from within your comfort zone will get you the same thing every time. You will be comfortable. But comfort can be toxic. Is the other person giving you what you really need? And remember, what you need is different from what you want.
Sex Isn’t Love
Falling in love is a chemical experience. It’s like cocaine for your brain, except your body is naturally producing these great feelings. The attraction phase helps nature reproduce and thrive, but it’s a balanced system. If it is untamed, or if it is too tame, it can be destructive or it can languish.
Women often associate having sex with love. These are two completely different things. Love takes time. So does having a deeply intimate sexual relationship. Having sex is the easy part. We believe that people who are beautiful are also more intelligent, confident, trustworthy and socially acceptable. They appear to have more friends, be more popular and be well-liked. But this is not the truth. They are just people. Do not let what you think you see deceive you.
In order to really know someone, you must spend time with them and allow yourself to get to know them. You must be smart, available and open to something new on the menu. You must also be willing to open your heart.
