Jocelyn Somers
“Alone” and “lonely” have two very different meanings. When you are by yourself, you are alone. When you feel sad or isolated, you feel lonely.
Many people, like myself, are happy when we are alone. I love spending time alone. However, other people who seem to be ultra-social have admitted to me that they feel very lonely and don’t like being alone.
In this cyber communication era when another person is only a text or face time away, many people are suffering.
Loneliness can happen even when you are at a movie, at a party with friends or out shopping. It is about emotion, not about the number of people with whom you surround yourself.
When you are on an inner journey, it is yours alone. You must face being alone with just yourself. I often receive feedback from people who feel very lonely along their path, and have reached a fork in the road, a turning point. This is an excellent time for you to take control of your life and choose what to do next. Situations in your life do not dictate your circumstances – you do.
Self-Awareness
Self-awareness, coupled with the ability to choose your own life and your own attitude, give you the ability to decide where it is you want to go. You must be willing to take the time to do a little self-reflection. Practice being aware, changing your feelings and attitudes. The simplest way to do this is through gratitude. Gratitude opens your heart.
If you don’t practice awareness, you are doomed to keep creating the same experiences for yourself over and over. This creates the same reactions, which creates the same emotions, keeping you in that lovely loop of the past. You are not living in the present moment—you are simply doing what is familiar and comfortable for you, and creating misery.
Do you tend to react to situations, always finding things to make you unhappy? Are you constantly creating more drama in your life, complaining to your friends that your life is falling apart, and crying, “why me?” If you keep asking “why me,” you will keep getting more WHY. The universe gives you what you ask for. Stop asking “why me.” Life should be wonderful and joyous, not miserable.
Jama’s Story
Jama was a 34-year-old woman who attended one of my workshops. In the middle of the workshop, she stood up and angrily ranted to the audience about being alone and lonely. She told us that her life had always sucked. Her father molested her, her mother was an alcoholic who permitted the molestation to occur, she had a child at age 15, the father of her child left her before the child was born, and the men she found herself in relationships with were complete douchebags. She had isolated herself and was alone and lonely.
Jama continued to spew pain, and I let her. I could see that others in the audience were uncomfortable with her words. They watched me to see what my reaction would be. I felt that this was the perfect opportunity to show others how to help a person who is hurt.
When she was done ranting, she exhaled, hard. She had released her story. I could see that she had suddenly become aware of her presence in the room. She began to cry.
I softly asked Jama, “Where were you just now?”
She continued to sob. Another workshop participant stood up and hugged her. We all allowed Jama to cry and feel as we witnessed it.
When Jama collected herself, she said, “I was in my bedroom. I was six years old. My mother was drinking, and my father had turned up the TV. He came into my room and molested me in broad daylight.” She broke down again, wailing with pain.
“What do you feel?” I asked her.
She paused and said, “Relieved. I felt like I just let the world know that I hurt! And you all listened, and that I matter. I feel loved here.”
I told her that I would wait as long as Jama needed, but that I wanted to address the situation when she felt ready to hear it. The audience and Jama sat quietly for about 10 minutes and when Jama agreed that she was ready to listen, I began.
Choosing to Change Your Life
“When you are in a constant state of pain and suffering,” I said, “you can only see and perceive things from that emotional state. You are equal to that frequency and state of being. You broadcast that frequency because you are like a human antenna, constantly communicating to others in your energy field. This is why you attract the same guys, have the same experiences and feel the same feelings. Your feelings create chemicals in your body that equal what you are feeling. This is what causes your external world to match your internal world. You become more frustrated, angry, hurt and experience pain – except now, this is by your own hand.”
“In no way will I discount what happened to you,” I continued, “but you must choose. Do you want to live a life filled with love? Or do you want more of the same? Obviously, you want a better life, or you would not have come to this workshop. What happened to you happened 28 years ago. The abuser is long gone, and you have become your own prison warden, inflicting pain that was present 28 years ago. As you sit, you acknowledge that you are here. In this new moment, I stand speaking to you. Your attention is present. You have the power and ability to stop this downward spiral through the power of choice. Make your choice now.”
“I want to be free and happy,” Jama told me. She chose a happy life.
We practiced the following steps in front of the audience, with everyone participating:
1. Close your eyes, and become aware of how you are feeling now. Feel your hurt, anger, and pain.
2. Now, stop it. Go to the beach in your mind, right now.
3. Acknowledge that you, and you alone, control your thoughts (because you just proved to yourself that you can do that!)
4. Repeat the process again, and acknowledge that you are the thinker and the creator. Acknowledge that you stopped your negative thinking and emotional reactions.
5. Practice this 10 times.
6. Repeat the process, this time shifting your perception once you are at the beach.(Repetition creates a new neural network)
7. This time, once you are at the beach, tell yourself who you want to be. Feel the present moment. Embody that feeling as the thinker, feeler, doer, speaker, the one who hears and the one who touches. Smile from your heart.
8. Feel the ocean breeze on your skin and hear your best friend, family member or a stranger tell you that you look amazing, that you have changed so much, and that you are radiant. Let that validation be real and it will happen, just as you have imagined.
9. Practice this over and over.
This can be mastered if you practice it every day. Making different choices begins to shift your reality, and your outer world changes. Staying conscious, doing things that are good for you, and making choices to be happy creates more happiness and a better life.
Jama was only miserable because she was focusing on something that happened years ago, and did not know how to let go. First, she had to want to let go. In her willingness to release her pain and her past, she found the power within herself to change her life. This is a practice. The more she practiced, the more she changed. Eventually, she mastered her emotions. She will tell you, however, that she still has moments. The difference is that these moments are just that…moments.
This sounds simple, but it is not. My teacher told me that if I practiced this religiously for 40 days and 40 nights, the changes would be instilled in me. Try this yourself. If you fail, begin again, starting from day one. You will eventually get it, and you will see amazing changes in your life.
What are you going to commit to changing? It is seriously your choice.
